C: Welcome, fearless readers! Today, I'm here at the source; the veritable fonts of knowledge from which springs our ZEPHYR WORLD WEEKLY Freelance Heroes Incorporated segment. Alright guys, why don't you introduce yourselves?

O: Hullo! Oliver Norse here, founder and lead consultant at Freelance Heroes Incorporated.

F: Victor Farraday. I . . . answer the phone. (Shakes his head, slowly) Why do I always answer the phone?

E: I'm Elena. And everyone just calls him (gesturing to Farraday) Farraday. At this point, his mom isn't even sure why she bothered naming him.

F: Better than a first name that requires its own user manual.

L: [REDACTED]Salutations, hypothetical reading audience! I'm Lenore, the group's resident research assist. Huh, guess I'm sort of the consultant to the consultants!

C: Assuming you've followed along with our Freelance Heroes segment, you'll know that some pretty strange stuff has been going on in and around the town of Rook's Hollow, NY. Downright implausible, urban legend, cryptozoological-type stuff, and if you're a skeptic like me, you're probably wondering why an online periodical like the ZEPHYR WORLD WEEKLY, known for printing the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, would think to post such sensationalism.

F: Really? Your lead "article" the week we met you was "the real Climate change conspiracy: sapient polar bears melt ice caps for beachfront real-estate scheme!"

C: That was an editorial from one of our most popular contributors—far be it for me to debate the essential nature of truth; that's for our readers to decide. And with that in mind, our four intrepid chroniclers are here today to answer the sort of questions that don't get asked in the process of battling quasi-invisible imagination monsters; questions that we hope will help anchor their legitimacy in public opinion.

O: The trials we've been facing are really happening, and we've got a hunch they're not just happening here in Rook's Hollow. We suspect a trend of astronomical proportions, hence we agreed to publish our findings: this is not a tall tale—it's a PSA.

E: though we acknowledge it might be a bit of a hard sell, even compared with evil polar bear conspiracy theories.

L: So, we arranged this interview with the express intention of filling in the gaps that might lead readers to doubt our credibility.

C: That's right folks, it's a Q & A to set the record straight. I've got here a set of questions, most of them submitted in the article comments thread by our readers. So let's get to it, shall we? Let's start with some basic, prove you're not a robot-style security questions, yeah? @StaCLuvzCATS-92 asks: "Freelance Heroism Consultation is a labor of love for you, so what do you do to pay the bills? Also, what's your sign?"

O: For my day job, I'm the janitor at Avon Renal Care, a dialysis treatment center here in Rook's Hollow. I sweep floors, clean bathrooms, and mop up the occasional accidental exsanguination. It can be a messy job, but it does indeed pay the bills, and most importantly, an early morning schedule leaves me free on a daily basis for Freelance Heroism consultations in the afternoon. As to Ms. LuvsCATS-92's second question: I tend not to pay attention to my zodiac, but I will say proudly that I share a birthday with one Leonardo de ser Piero Da Vinci: April 15th.

C: So, Tax day.

O: Well, yeah. That too.

F: I'm a 3rd shift insurance adjuster, specializing in existential crisis damages, and it's difficult to have a zodiac sign when I don't have a birthday. Time travel paradox stuff—simpler to just not to get into it.

C: Can we maybe aim for serious answers only, please?

F: Okay, then in seriousness: answering this question will have all of us exposed to identity theft, so I'm pleading the Fifth. Besides, a big part of our chronicle's first installment has to do with me changing jobs, so you can read all about it there.

E: Seconded. Curses, @StaCLuvzCATS-92– your diabolical identity theft plan was foiled again. Next question, Cal.

C: Fair enough.

O: Wait! Can I change my answer?

C: Sorry Ollie—we're transcribing this live. Moving on, <AbsynthMarshmallowz87> asks: "When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?" Let's start with you, Farraday.

F: Amicably divorced, recently retired, but at least I still have my pension to look forward to. And before you ask, yes, this is a serious answer.

C: . . . You've never actually been a kid, have you?

F: (shrugs) A monthly subscription in my name for AARP magazine started getting delivered right around my tenth birthday.

E: I was big into recycling and wanting to save the rainforest when I was little. I blame television—'90s cartoons didn't so much rot the brain as indoctrinate us into a global ecological conservation cult. Then the cartoons of the early 2000s happened, and our brains rotted anyway.

O: This may not come as any big surprise, but I wanted to be a superhero, more specifically, the Avenging Knight-Spider. I remember as a kid, I even went so far as to take spider webs, submerge them in a blend of Doctor Cola and alcohol-free fluoride mouthwash, microwave the concoction to bombard it with radioactivity, then attempt to drink it. Obviously I wasn't going to microwave a spider—that would just be cruel—so this was the closest I could get to the proper method for attaining arachni- themed superpowers.

L: [REDACTED] So this one's really kind of embarrassing, but I wanted to be one of those interpretive dance performance artists. Just like, (Lenore arches her back and raises her arms wide, winglike, declares in singsong tones) "Lo, I am the butterfly, transfixed!" And then audience participants toss bundles of silly string, assorted feather boas and rose petals at me, and the critics would say it's a metaphor for the decay of dreams in our postmodern world. . . I was kind of a weird kid.

C: Seems like you're in good company here. Next up, Dross_Poignancy98 wants to know: "who's your favorite fictional protagonist?"

O: The Avenging Knight-Spider, naturally. For, With access to Power, comes the Freedom of Choice, and the Burden of Consequence.

F: Shadow from American Gods. He's just sort of thrown into these situations and has to deal with it. I empathize.

L: [REDACTED] Soo many! But if I have to choose just one, probably Anne of Green Gables.

E: Mine would be Mina Murray from Bram Stoker's Dracula, though really, if she had to marry anyone in that book, it should've been Jack Seward. She's too smart, independent and capable to wind up with a sad sack like Harker, and there was more genuine chemistry between her and Seward than any of her other "suitors".

C: Awesomesauce—

F: No.

C: . . . Okay, not awesomesauce. Next question. >>HashtagTriteFTW<< wonders: "What's your theme song?"

E: Always liked "Dog Days Are Over," by Florence and the Machine.

L: [REDACTED] "Wallet," by Regina Spektor. Or "Ghost of Corporate Future." Or "Music Box." Really anything by Regina Spektor—everything she writes is just a feast for the ears!

F: I think mine would probably be "Mononokay" by Sorority Noise.

O: Hmm, probably "On The Road To Find Out" by Cat Stevens.

C: Looks like we've got some more literary buffs among our readership, @Strange_Aeons22 asks: "What's the last great book you read?"

O: "The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay" by Michael Chabon. A magnificent period piece about the establishment of the comic book industry, and above all, a truly beautiful love letter to escapism.

F: "The Light Fantastic," book 2 in the Discworld series by Sir Terry Pratchett. I only discovered Sir Terry's works recently, but he's brilliant, and the Luggage is by far the most delightfully terrifying piece of furniture ever described.

E: I recently reread "The Bicentennial Man" by Isaac Azimov. It's a short read, but a neat exploration into what it means to be human.

L: [REDACTED] Just finished "The City We Became" by N. K. Jemisin. What a phenomenally beautiful piece of narrative craftsmanship! I can't possibly say enough about how awesome a read it is. I borrowed it from the library less than a week ago, and I couldn't put it down. I only paused about ten pages in, to order my own copy, as well as the second book in the series, which is waiting at home for me to start as we speak!

C: Awesomesa—er, nice! Definitely add those to your to be read lists, intrepid readers. xXLa_Vida_RococoXx asks: "Who has served as an inspiration to you?"

E: Lewis Black. His near psychotic rants are just so…eloquent. His words are like the raving, furious poetry of my soul.

L: [REDACTED] Gotta go with Jane Austen. Such wit! Okay, so here's my own personal conspiracy theory: there's no evidence to support the claim that Charles Dickens was influenced by the works of Jane Austen, and it probably would've been scandalous to have made such a claim at the time. But, there's nothing to suggest he wasn't influenced, either!

F: My coffee maker. Without it, I never would've found the strength to be here today.

O: Don Quixote. Particularly the Peter O'Toole version from the film adaptation of Man of La Mancha, but Don Quixote in general. A lifestyle of benevolent, chivalrous madness has a particular charm to it, I think.

C: Okay folks, last one, _Cinemabuff_21_ says: "Quote from a favorite movie?"

O: "All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us." Gandalf, from The Lord of the Rings, The Fellowship of the Ring.

F: "I am a very important man. I've got a tower."  Valentine, from MirrorMask

E: "How do you shoot the devil in the back? …What if you miss?" Verbal Kint, from The Usual Suspects

L: [REDACTED] (in a remarkably spot-on Wallace Shawn impression) "Ha-ha, you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia,' but only slightly less well known is this: 'Never go in against a Sicilian, when death is on the line!' Hahahahahah—" (cuts off abruptly, then physically collapses to one side) Vizzini from The Princess Bride.

C: Alright, you read it here first folks, the chroniclers behind Freelance Heroes Incorporated are well-read movie buffs with mundane day jobs and good taste in music. Genuine, well-adjusted people who just happen to also vanquish quasi-invisible nightmare monsters in their spare time. I, for one, believe them. After all, our motto here at the ZEPHYR WORLD WEEKLY is: Because stranger things have happened, and will almost certainly happen again. Thanks for joining us!

F: . . . We're doomed.

O: I dunno, I feel reassured. People actually read enough of the chronicle to want to ask us questions!

—Calvin McCafferty is the editor in chief and lead correspondent with the ZEPHYR WORLD WEEKLY Online news report.